so what happened?
ok...i am writing this on 4/28, a good 2 weeks after i originally posted this entry. i never filled this day in cuz i didnt really feel like thinking too much about what's been going on...too much on my mind, and it's kinda overwhelming. so what did happen to cause me to not feel like updating this thing in awhile u might ask? well...my brother Eric had a stroke on monday morning april 7. he was driving to pick up his wife from work at 4am, and it just hit. luckily for him, he was able to feel it coming on, and was able to pull off to the side of the road. he was also able to call his mother (yeah...we dont have the same mother) to come to his rescue. Katherine (his wife) called me later on that morning to tell me what had happened. i let my dad know what happened, and things got put into motion. since my dad couldnt get away from work for a day or so, i was able to get my stuff in order at school before we headed off to Las Vegas (where he lives) on wednesday. it was tough seeing him hooked up to all the life support machines, and seeing the staples in his head from where they performed surgery to relieve pressure in his head. i really wanted him to open his eyes while i was there, but it didnt happen. the doctors have given us a good prognosis on his condition, and outlook...but we're still worried, cuz that has to do with his brain. anything trauma to the head could cause complications. well...im just happy that he's still alive...the rest will come in due time. i really felt bad when we had to leave his bedside after 2 days. i felt really selfish for leaving...but i really needed to take care of business back here in san diego. i really wanted to stay longer...but i also had to maintain my commitments at school, and to the rest of the PCC cast. i know in my heart that my brother would want me to take care of my business, cuz thats the type of brother that he is...he's always been supportive of what ive been doing. katherine reassured me that everything is ok...and it's alright for me to leave. but i still couldnt (and still cant help) but to think that i was abandoning him. it's really tough to be the rope in the tug o war of life. on one side, my brother who is clinging onto life....on the other side are school, and other people who are counting on me to be there to pull my weight in PCC, and other aspects of things that i'm involved in.

just by typing this out, ive realized that there are a lot of things i need to vocalize with someone, but every time i try to talk to somebody about it, something holds me back from saying everything that needs to be said. i guess it's because i dont want anybody to pity me...something i learned to hate around the time that my parents got divorced. i think the person who knows the most about me is my best friend Chie, but she doesnt know whats been happening to me lately...mainly cuz we've both been busy with our lives to really talk to each other...i really miss her =/ i dunno...i just need someone to talk to...but i just dont know how to say everything. we'll see how things go. stay tuned...we'll be back after these messages =/